Downsizing, Willing or Not

Whether you are moving or just simplifying your life, here's some organizing tips to help lessen the stress for everyone

It is often said that the five most stressful events in life include moving, death of a loved one, divorce, major illness or injury, and job loss. As if the upheaval, worry and grief caused by these events weren’t stressful enough, many times it also means moving. That means you will be required to organize - go through things, pack what you’re keeping, get rid of things you’re not - at the exact time when you are the least equipped to handle it. Who can make decisions at a time when you are in a heightened emotional state and your whole world has been turned upside down? And if there is the rush factor, it’s worse. Then when you’re in the new place, you have to unpack and figure out where everything will go. It seems like the organizing never ends. Moving is overwhelming for everyone, not matter the circumstances. When it’s associated with an already stressful event, it is even more so.

If you have to move, it’s often easier just to pack it all up and deal with it later. However, that often involves paying extra to transport or store things you are just going to dispose of later when you unpack, and that could be months (even years) later if you are still in emotional distress. That’s why people have garages full of boxes, closets stuffed to the gills, and storage spaces they are still paying for - because later, by the time the emotions settle down, it’s just a chore that is low priority because you don’t really need the stuff for your new normal and you're afraid it will just stir up those negative emotions again.

However, you will eventually have to go through things. The prospect of that looming over you incapacitates many people. But there comes a time when the stress of “I should” is greater than “I just can’t.”  When that happens, it’s time to open those boxes, go through the garage, clean out the closets and reclaim your available storage as well as your peace of mind. 

Leaving Your Home

As a professional organizer, the hardest people to help organize are the people who have never had to move. Yes, there is a lot of stuff, but the longer you live in a place the less you see. You become clutter-blind. If you have never had to pack or pare down to fit in another space, chances are you don’t know half the stuff you have. You never even notice it unless it’s in your way or until you turn the house upside down trying to find something. 

This is why downsizing is so difficult. Now that you see what you have, you’re not ready to give it up because you want a chance to enjoy it! It’s like your home is one big department store full of new things you’ve paid for but forgot to take home. It’s also full of memories that you don’t want to lose. Even if you have to go to another home (willingly or not), you want to take those memories with you as well as the things you haven’t yet had a chance to use or admire.

It’s also difficult to give up the dreams you had for that home. Dreams of entertaining, hosting holidays and lifecycle events, grandkids filling every room… It’s those unfulfilled dreams that are the hardest things to leave behind, even if you’re looking forward to new adventures.

Downsizing is the biggest organizing challenge of all. There are tough decisions to make, mostly based on available space. My friend Dina was ruthless in downsizing when she and her husband went to live in a senior living community. She went from a two-story 4 bedroom house where she raised her kids to a 2 bedroom one-level attached townhouse 45 years later. She started at least a year ahead of time paring down, room by room, closet by closet. Then when she leased the new place and knew its dimensions, she had to cut even more, taking just what was comfortable for her and her husband to live. She has never felt freer or happier in her whole life. That’s the best case scenario. 

Swedish Death Cleaning

Unfortunately, most people will have a harder time downsizing, and that’s why you have to start early. You don’t want to feel rushed while you are looking at your whole life, especially if you’re not happy you have to sell your home. Ideally, you will pare down your belongings before you have to go anywhere, using the organizing techniques we’ve talked about. In Sweden, they call it Death Cleaning. You start downsizing your life now (meaning whole-home organizing) whether you are leaving your house or not, so your children don’t have to do it when you die. 

If You’re Saving It For Your Kids, Ask Them

Now, if you’re keeping something because you plan to pass it down to your kids, ask now to see if they even want it. You’d be surprised at how many people are saving something that they think the kids will want and appreciate, and the kids have no interest so it’s been cluttering their home for no reason. Go through your home with your kids while you are well enough to do it. If you are willing to part with something now, and they tell you they want it, or if they are sentimental and don’t want you to get rid of something from their childhood, give it to them to take home now so they won’t need to deal with it later when they are grief-stricken. This is also the time they should take home the remnants of their childhood, whatever is left of their room, school memories, favorite toys, etc.

If your kids are not established yet or can’t take things home, and you have room to store the things they want, great. Make a list and label things so everyone knows who is getting what when they clear your home. Fights over their parents’ things are one of the leading causes of estrangement among siblings. If you don’t have room to store it (because you are actually moving to a smaller place) you might consider getting a storage space so you can save what the kids want until they can get it.

Assisted Living

What if someone can’t live independently anymore and needs to move to assisted living? How do you fit a lifetime’s worth of stuff into an apartment that has two feet of counter space and storage the size of a broom closet? What if you have less than a month to choose what to take and what to get rid of, because you have to get the house ready to sell or rent out to pay for assisted living? This is the worst case scenario, because it falls on the family to do it and their first inclination is to just throw everything away. Imagine a person is leaving a home they’ve probably lived in most of their life to move into a place they’d rather not be, with a bunch of old people they don’t know. They have some condition that limits their independence, which pisses them off, and someone who supposedly cares for them is pressuring them, when they are the most unable to deal with the stress, to get rid of everything that’s familiar and comforting because there’s no space and they “won’t need it.” 

How do you do it? First, understand what they are going through and wait to make tough emotional decisions until the easier decisions are done. Make sure you are both well rested, fed and medicated, and manage anxiety by minimizing bad news, doctor calls, and other distractions. 

It is much easier to accept downsizing when you know what you are moving into, so you are going to handle furniture first. Ask the facility for a floor plan and take measurements of the room and of each piece of furniture. You probably have room for a bed, nightstand(s), dresser(s), seating, coffee table, dining table and chairs, lamps, television and stand, artwork, and maybe a desk or curio cabinet. Space usually dictates what goes where and the decisions are more practical than emotional. Understand that you may not be able to take everything they have and may need to buy smaller versions. If their current furniture is old, buying new things may be a bright spot. Most people are not as attached to their furniture as they are to other things, unless it’s an antique or heirloom. In that case, it will probably find its way to another family member and won’t be as traumatic if they have to leave it behind.

Pack Like You're Going on an Extended Vacation

How do you mentally prepare to choose what else to take with you and what to leave behind? Pretend you’re going for a year on an around-the-world cruise or an extended stay at a small vacation home. When you are away from home and off on a new adventure, you want to keep your necessities and best things with you and leave the rest behind. You take the most useful and the most beautiful, You want to pack your favorite outfits, jewelry, shoes, accessories, seasonal wear, nice underwear, most comfy pajamas and a robe you wouldn’t mind answering the door in. You check to make sure it all fits you before you pack. When you’re packing for senior independent or assisted living, it doesn’t matter if you rarely leave the facility. You’re not always in your room in your housecoat. You're eating in the dining room three times a day and ideally joining activities. This is a whole new life, and you want to feel your best in it. Your clothes don't all have to be practical. Bring a dress for the red carpet, a boa, fabulous sunglasses, an ugly Christmas sweater. You’re going to be meeting people and hopefully making new friends. You want to make an impression.

Then pack the amenities you’d find in a nice hotel - comforter, pillows, soft sheets that fit the bed you have, plush towels, toiletries, toilet paper, hair dryer, iron and ironing board, small coffee maker and electric tea kettle. The microwave and refrigerator are already there. Bring a safe if you have one.

Now pack what I call the Target run: dish soap, dish towels, paper towels, paper plates, plastic silverware, trash cans, trash bags, tissues, water bottles, can opener, corkscrew, small coffee maker, electric kettle, office supplies, stamps, cards, and gift wrap. You will want sponges and some cleaning supplies even though the facility cleans your room weekly. You will have room for a small broom and dustpan or a stick vacuum. If you are the type that buys Costco-size packages of things, you probably will want to split the pack with family and use the storage space for other things. 

For the kitchen, bring four dishes, bowls, water glasses, wine glasses, coffee mugs, and sets of silverware. Go ahead and use the good china, crystal and silver! If you don’t use it now, what was the point of keeping it all those years? 

Then add things for your hobbies, music to listen to, your computer, a camera, your mobile phone chargers and speakers and reading material, framed pictures and photo albums, and a few decorative items for your furniture and walls. Remember, the more tchotchkes you have and the more things hanging on the wall, the smaller your space will feel. You want to feel comfortable, not cramped.

Move-In Day

The room should be completely set up before the resident’s arrival. It is far less stressful to walk into a fully functional and beautiful room than deal with boxes and unpacking and watching your furniture be moved around. It is really important to make sure you can move a walker or wheelchair around all the furniture and walkways if necessary, and that there is room to park it. They may not need it now but you don’t want to have to rearrange when they need it. Once they are living there, you can rearrange things if necessary and see if there is room for anything else. In the next week, you can retrieve whatever they want or need that fits comfortably in the smaller space. If they need to go to a board and care facility, they will have less space so be prepared to go through the furniture, décor, and kitchen again because you will probably have to ditch most of it. Space in a board and care home is more like a bedroom instead of an apartment.

Whether you are downsizing willingly or unwillingly, it is so much easier if your home is organized first before you need to move. If you haven’t made a habit of organizing yet, I strongly suggest you start while you’re healthy and before it’s time to collect Social Security. I’m sure the last thing you want is to be a burden to anyone. Do I sound like a Jewish mother? Organize to help you downsize! And put on a sweater, I’m cold.